Everyone else is doing it....
unhappy bunny!
Isn't it funny that even though facebook is more popular, it's still LJ where we all need to go to post our real feelings. I feel so restrained on there because of business and prying eyes. I can't put down my real feelings there.... Not sure if my real feelings fit in anywhere to be honest.

Everything seems so messed up. I am in a deep dark place and I'm trying so very, very, very hard to climb out of this hole that is swallowing me. I try to ignore it, but it's growing every day. It's this deep pitted sadness that I can't explain. I try to, but feel as if anyone truly knew what goes on in this head of mine.....

This Post Traumatic Stress is consuming me. Like the giant elephant in the room, that only I can see. (Insert the music from Pink Floyd Comfortably Numb) I'm so jumpy, and I have this perpetual feeling of doom just hanging over me. I have to have this daily conversation with myself, and actually convince myself that I won't be killed or hurt today. I have to remove myself from so many situations because I have these morbid and horrific visions that flash before me, even though I know it's not actually happening. I can't erase it, and I can't turn it off, and it just pops up completely uninvited and unexpected. It's like someone walking up behind you and scaring the living bejesus out of you 10 times a day. That heart in your stomach, instant panic, I'm going to puke feeling. It's great.

I can't let go of the stress and anger I have towards my former employer. I still have to deal with the insurance company for their mistake every month for the next two years. Every ounce of that entire situation makes me feel as if I have poison just crawling through my body. It's this festering rage that seeps through me. I do love my new job, and my new boss even though I'm making half of what I was making before. I'm also so disgusted that bakeries are popping up everywhere and that people with very little skill or talent are offering classes. Jealousy I guess. I'm just not where I want to be, or doing exactly what I want to be doing fast and furious enough. I feel that I lost so much in that accident, and have not been able to get back to that stride or point I was before it. I feel as though I'm on the side lines watching everyone else get their chance. I guess it's just not suppose to happen that way. I don't even know what to plan for anymore.

I don't know what the point of this post is though. I could write about every little thing. At the end of the day, I have a beautiful family and a good husband (although he gets male PMS sometimes and I just want to strangle him.) We are alive and healthy, and that's more than most. If I could just get those monsters in my head to STFU...

oh Hai!
I'm really excited about kicking 2011 to the curb, almost as much as I was to see 2010 get the boot. It's been a crazy year with lots of up and downs. The great news is that I think things are on the up swing...or at least I should say that I've been very proactive on making change happen.

I recently started a new job. There are not enough words to express what I went through with my previous employers. It all came to a head at the end of October. When all was said and done, I finally got some validation, though I can't honestly say how much of that is truthful or heartfelt. I immersed myself in situation where I am actually appreciated and cared for, and the quality is outstanding. It's amazing to work for someone that not only talks to you, but appreciates you, and doesn't call their employees assholes. It's almost like being mind raped, I really feel taken advantage of, and it's awkward at times to be in the absolute opposite of that, because I didn't know it could be that way. Like the bad relationship, you get mistreated for so long, you start believing you deserve it.

Anyway, my Dad finally is working again and likes his job. Although he needs two more surgeries, and they were foreclosed on, it's nice to see a bit of relief with my parents. Things were very difficult for them, and there was a lot of hairy circumstances there. My brother went through a bunch of change as well. He moved back here for about 2 months, then to Colorado, where he signed up to be a truck driver. After hurricane Irene chased him down from Miami to New Jersey, he had enough. Back to Arizona he went. During his time on the road, we because pretty close. We got to talk, and open up to each other for the first time in our lives. I can't express what that means to me, as I've always craved a relationship with him. I feel better about him not being on the open road, but I do miss seeing him every so often and picking him up at various truck stops when he was in town. My BIL lost his job suddenly as well. I know my sister is feeling the crunch and has been trying to pick up the slack in finances.

As for us, we've been mainly healthy. We're considering a pretty major downsize to try to get out of our own money situation. We're thinking about selling and paying off our two morgages. With that, then getting a house for about a fourth of what we have now for the next few years. We then can get out of all of our debt and maybe live a little. Take vacations, go out for dinner, not be sick to our stomach penny pinching. It would be a big sacrafice, but then we can live it up when Vince retires. It would be nice to be able to enroll the kids in extra activities and things that we don't have money for now too.

I'm also scouting to maybe open my own bakery. My friend and I have seen a few places and had a few bids. I'm confident that when it's suppose to happen it will!

I'm excited for new thing in 2012. Happy that as stressful as thing have been going for the past 2 years, it feels as though it's all behind us and brighter times are ahead. I'm wishing all my friends a happy and healthy new year.

It's a twister, Auntie Em...Auntie Em...!
Belive it or not, I am in fact taking the kids by myself and driving to Wichita to see my sister. It's about 13 hours. I'm possitive I've lost my mind. I've planned a overnight stop in Des Moines on the way out. The hotel has a waterpark to burn up some of that energy the kids will be exploding with. On the way back I'm stoppping in Overland Park for a cake convention. I pray for good weather!! I'm excited and nervous about it. I've never driven that far by myself, let alone been away from Vince that long. I'm looking forward to seeing my sister and spending quality time with the kids though. I just hope that I'm not looking for Dorthy and flying houses!

I'm here barely...
I'm so far on the otherside of the spectrum I can't even begin to know where to start. Big blog post coming soon. Hand is healing well, but slow. Wish I could say the same for my mind. I've been state summoned to have a phsych evaluation, because workers comp doesn't want to pay for the therapy I've been recieving. More later.....

Sorry for not being here. I've barely been able to keep afloat on anything in my life right now. I don't mean to be so self absorbed. I know that you all are going through monumental life changes. I read when I can, and am thinking of all of you. I'm just inadequate with words right now, but it doesn't mean that I don't care.

The Accident
unhappy bunny!
On Wednesday I was at work making a safari cake for a big client for this Friday. It was to be a big, over the top cake, that I was excited to do because I designed it all. I was given free reign, and took all responsibility for it. Kinda like my baby...this was going to be an amazing cake. A few weeks ago, I was contacted by Cake Central Magazine, saying that they would be interested in publishing my work, but it had to be something I haven't had post anywhere before. I didn't have anything, but thought this cake would be perfect, so I asked serenityone to come photograph the cake this friday. Everything was lined up, and I was working to make this the biggest, best, yet.

I was at the part of putting the fondant on the bottom tier. I wanted it to be perfect, so I asked my boss if I could use the sheeter. It's and industrial machine, about the size of my center island in my kitchen. It has two rollers and two conveyor belts. It sucks the fondant in, flatens it, rinse lather, repeat, until it's at the desired thiness that you need. I've never used one before, so Luigi (my boss) was helping me with it. The rollers kept leaving marks on the fondant. Luigi and were trying to clean the rollers. I got my hand too close to the machine and it got sucked in. I was stuck for several minutes, as it took 3 guys to pry open the machine to free my hand. Once freed, I wrapped my hand in a towel and walked next door to the fire house. I told them I was Vince's wife...and they called a med unit immediately. I kept my composure the whole time, eventhough I was dying from the pain. I bit my shirt to keep from screaming and crying. They started an IV right away and gave me fentnyl...which didn't do anything but make me feel drunk. I was taken the the trauma center at Freodert Hosiptal, which is the only level one in Wisconsin. I was given more drugs and had my hand blocked so they could x-ray it. I had 3 breaks, shattered the two tips of my index and ring finger, tore off my nails, as well as mangled the skin on my index, middle, and ring fingers. The hand surgeon came in and splinted me up. They said I needed surgery in the next few days and to follow up in the morning.

I called that afternoon and had surgery sceduled for Friday. When I went in for my pre-op appointment on Thursday, they rushed me right into surgery. The swelling was blistering the skin, which they were concerned with. The needed to repair the nail beds, and placed pins in each finger. They sewed my nails back on, which will eventually fall off and grow back. I should get the pins out in june, then do the whole rehab therapy thing.

The pain is unbelievable. I basically keep passing out from the meds. I can't do anything. Vince has to help me with everything. He was able to get off on family leave until the 23rd. I'm devestated right now, but am so thankful I have my fingers at all. I'm remainging positive that I'll be back to cakes by this summer. It's going to be long and painful though.

Happy Bunny Day!
unhappy bunny!
OMG, I have so much to update, I don't even know where to begin. Dad's surgery is scheduled for the 13th. Really still freaking on it. They found something with his heart now. Sometimes I feel like I can't breath, though I'm trying remain hopeful that everything will go flawlessly. He's in the best hands, and it's more than I can ask for right now.

Total amazing wow news, is that 6 of my cakes and cookies are going to be featured in a new book coming out in Nov. which will be available on Amazon.com. It's called 1000 Ideas for Cupcakes, Cakes, and Cookies. Even more still is that the amazing serenityone Took one of those photos, so she's also getting published. We're kinda like team awesome! And speaking of which, I started my new job at Sciortino's (which Mandi is also rebuilding the website for!!!) My first day was really insane. I made 623 cookies (dipped and decorated) My fingers stopped finally twitching yesterday. I could barely move these past two days. I work in the basement, and I had to keep the dipping frosting warm, which meant I went up and down the stairs about 3,000 times to use the micro, carrying a 40lb bucket. It was really just crazy. I really can't wait to do the other stuff. Production cookies/bakery isn't my bag of tea.

A few weeks ago I got to see soulsistad and her gorgeous kids, Morgan and Ryan. Gus had a basketball tournament here in Wisconsin. They rented a hotel, and we went down and went swimming. The kids had a blast, and afterwards we got ice cream. Ava was being really silly, and worked everyone up into a giggle-a-thon. On the way home, I stopped at Puppy World for the kids to pet the puppies. SO stinking cute. Gah!

Schmoes turned 5 last week. He's a perfect square at 44lbs, 44 inches...and Mr. Tough guy laughed when he got his shots. The doctor's office screwed up his appointment. I usually forget to schedule the well check-ups, so when he was sick a two months ago, I scheduled both Joey and Ava's check-ups. They gave me a reminder card, that has a sticker on it. You peel the sticker off, and put it on your calendar. THEY forgot to actually put the appointment in the computer, so when we showed up on Friday, they were like...Um?!?! I called Vince to verify that I wasn't loosing my mind (because it's happened!) and he confirmed. They couldn't get us in until much later, which sucked because the doctors office is 30 mins away. We love this doctor, so she's worth it! So I took the kids to lunch and then to my BIL's. It worked out okay, but kinda sucked to waste the whole day away. Joey is doing pretty good. His behavior towards Ava and at home is less to be desired sometimes. We're working on it. He's great at school, and ready to concure the world. He's pretty sure he knows EVERYTHING! He amazes me with the things he comes up with sometimes. He's got an insanely good memory (perfect for my space cadet brain) and is a terrible BSer, but man does he make stuff up. Good imagination atleast!

I guess that's kinda the low down for now. Happy that the weather is starting to get better, and we'er able to get out of the house a bit. Starting to see green on the trees. Always good to feel!

Yeah so...this will get long
The past two weeks have been insane...insane...insane. Vince and I went to the dermatologist together. I found a mole between my toes, and had one my entire life on the back of my hand. It's been bothering me, and I've hit it a few times this year and the effer just throbs. So they took it out and I ended up with stitches on my right hand. The doctor said it looked strange from underneath and wanted to biopsy it. Very sore and sensitive area. When I went back to have the stitches out, I was told that it came back as a celluar blue nevus, which pretty much means a mole. At one point they thought that all celluar blue nevus were melanoma. Mine is benign, however it's showing abnormal properties. Eventhough it's tested out as a blue nevus, it's completely white in color, and has more cells than it should. So we're going to watch it, but if anything comes back, they want to go in and remove a bunch of stuff from my hand :( Vince had something at the end of his nose and had it burned off, and he's fine.

All that being said, Joey got sick Saturday morning. He threw-up twice and was bouncing off the walls by noon. Totally fine. I left for Arizona on Sunday morning. Everything was great, Joey went to a birthday party, no problems. I found out that Vince ended up taking Ava to Children's Hosptial at 3 in the morning because she non-stop vommiting for 8 hours straight. I bawled my eyes out being thousands of miles away from her. She was okay after getting some anti-nausea meds. Didn't need an IV, and ate a popscile. She was in her glory because she got to wear a hosptial gown. Fashion diva much? So two days later Vince got it, but he wasn't as bad. He was nauseous, but took the medicine they gave for Ava and never threw up. He had more of the chills, exhaustion, body aches. I kept telling him I'd come home, but he said no. I came home later Thursday night. Ava threw-up again twice on Friday night. I stayed up all night to keep an eye on her. At 5am, I put her to bed in her crib and by 6:30 I was puking non-stop. Vince left around noon for Arizona. by 2pm, I had to call my neighbors to take the kids and drive me to the hosptial. I was there for two days. I became severely dehydrated. I got 6 bags of fluid and my heart rate was still out of control. They couldn't release me until it got down to 100. I had no control over anything and had such a hard time with not being able to be with my kids and Vince not being there. I'm so thankful and blessed that my neighbors were there. Joey and Ava had a sleep over for the first time. The next day my SIL took Ava while Joey had school. It sucked to oblivion.

Before knowing I was going to have stitches in my hand, a trip to Arizona, sick family, and wind up in the hospital, I commited to 4 massive cake projects due this past week. I had to help Elizabeth with a big one for the Heart of Venice cake at the ICC, making 6 gondolas, as well as a 21st birthday cake for one of Vince's co-workers. Then there was Iron Cupcake this past Monday, and it was also the night of Sandy's big surprise party, where I was asked to make her on a cupcake throne. I've never been more stressed or sick. Somehow I got it all done, but I can't tell you what's happened this past few days. It's a blur.

Arizona was good and bad all at the same time. It was difficult being away from the family, especially knowing that they were sick and struggling. The drama and hightened angry with my parents is at an all time high. I walked into a very bad situation and had to play coy. My mom and sister had a massive blow out the day before I left. I knew this, but still had to keep nuteral. I chose my words carefully, but hopefully gave both my parents enough words of wisdom. It's so bad, I can't even go there. I was hoping to scrape my mom off the ceiling a bit. As I was boarding the plane to leave home, she called to say her Aunt died. Downward spiral.

Gotten the crazy ass two weeks out of the way and I'm chilling the fuck out. I don't have any orders until Joey's birthday and I'm bailing on Iron Cupcake for a bit. Vince brought up a very vailid point the other day. He said he knows why I do the competitions, but it would be nice to see all that effort and work go into something that I'm actually paid for. I totally agree. We're trying to get Ava into school next year, but we can't afford the extra $120 a month to do it. I figured if I picked up atleast one cake a month then we could do it. Vince is really poo-pooing the idea. He says she doesn't need school and will be fine until she's 4. I know it's not the end of the world, but it would be benifical to her, especially the socialization. Plus we LOVED the school Joey went to and want to do that for her.

Kind of adding fuel to the already stressful moments is the crazy little trolls that run amok in this house, ruining and breaking EVERYTHING in their path. The kids broke our tv and we just do not have any means to get a new one. It doesn't pay to have the old one fixed because we'd be looking at a repair bill the same amount of a new tv. They also drew all over Ava's walls in her bedroom. I mean really...there are washable crayons out there. Why in the world would they ever make a crayon NON washable. I know it can be fixed and cleaned...painted, whatever, but it's SO discuraging that everything around here is getting ruined by those little fingers I just want to break!!

Anyway, I feel better, and things are quieting down. We're just stuck in that limbo of how can we get ourselves out from this impending debt before it kills us. The good news is that everyone seems healthy for right now. Joey getting over pink eye, and a few good altercations with Ava that have left him looking like he was beaten to a pulp. I'll knock on wood for now, and am looking forward to spending some more meaningful time with the kids. Not just getting throught the day, but taking the time for them and about them.

Really sad
Joey was being really hyper tonight. I was on the phone with my sister as he was running about, scretching. I went into the living room so I could hear her better because I needed some info from her. Joey flew in, and jumped up on the couch, then bolted to the piano and started banging on the keys. I told him to stop, and the next thing I heard was a loud crash. He tipped over the bench, sending it down into the pedals, smashing the wood, cracking the finish and denting/knicking the bench. I'm so sad, I can't even look at him. I'm thankful that he didn't get hurt, and in the grand scheme of things, it's not the end of the world, but I feel horrible about it. There are very, very, very few material things that mean a lot to me, and that would be one of them. I can't even shake my anger or sadness towards the situation. I feel that I'm on him all day, everyday because he's into something he's not suppose to be or doing whatever he feels like. I'm constantly ragging on him, because he's always destroying things in the house, or has the potential to get hurt. It pisses me off even more that we work really damn ass hard to have the things we do, and are struggling to make ends meet and he doesn't get absolutely any concept of it. He acts like a spoiled rotten brat sometimes and it drives me insane. He thinks if he ruins something, we'll just run out and buy a new one. The other day he took scissors and cut things up all over the house. His socks, a few toys of Ava's, some of my plants, and his hair. We have the scissors up really high in the cabinets, and he's been jumping up on the counters to go in them. I took them all and locked them in the closet. He also into jumping up on the counters lately, which we've been on him about. The over day he did it and knocked over my coffee, and ruined all the x-mas pictures I had just taken off the frig, as well as the photos I had to pay to have printed for the book submissions I'm working on. This is stuff that just shouldn't be happening. I'm at a loss as what to do... what I really want to do, is take a hammer to his toys and destroy them so he see what it feels like, but I don't think that would solve anything. I'm just really, really, fed up with him.

I'm about to lose my mind I'm SO livid!!!!
I had to order some gumpaste (specific brand) for a cake that I need to have done by the 3rd. I ordered it from a company I've never have before, because my wholesaler is closed through the 4th. I ordered it on the 28th and paid a fortune for 2 day shipping to garantee I would have it by today at the latest. I even considered business days and everything. On monday I got and e-mail confirmation that it was totally shipped. Since I still hadn't gotten it today, I e-mailed the company and asked them if they had a tracking number. They gave it to me and said that they usually use USPS, but they were backed up and sent it UPS ground instead. Apparently, this takes more time, and even though I was able to track the pacakge to a town only 5 miles from here, I can't get it, becaue they are closed and it won't be delivered until the 4th. They day AFTER the cake is due and a week and a half after I ordered the product. I'm SO livid. Not only did I pay extra to have it here on time, but they never notified me that it wqas going to be delayed. I told them they needed to refund my money and cancel the order because a lot of fucking good it does me to get it the day after I need it. They said that they were sorry for the inconvience, but said that in their shipping policy that they can't be responsible for delays and it should take 2-3 days if shipped by UPS. Again, this just confirms that if they sent it out when they told me it was shipped, it STILL should have been here by today. The problem is that I absolutely cannot get what I need to make this cake and I'm royally fucked and pissed beyond oblivion.

To add to my anger towards this company, and UPS, I'd also like to give a big ass FUCK YOU to the US Postal systems, who still haven't delivered the package of the cake topper to Ellen, that was garanteed to be there by TODAY AT THE LATEST, for Caleb's party tomorrow. What the mother fucking hell is wrong with these damn assholes, that they can't pull their heads out of their asses and deliver and damn package when they say they would. If they can't garantee it, they should tell people that they have no fucking clue when it will get there. I'm so, so, so, so, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mad right now and there isn't a fucking damn thing I can do about it. ASLDK:JIOUAWQEKIJSDFKJ:IO:EUWSD:KLJASOUI*#OP@IIO!

Merry Christkawanhanakamas!
This year has to mark the best Christmas ever. I found my spirit a few days ago, and have a sense of calm over me that I haven't had in a really, really, long time. We had Vince's family over on Christmas Eve. I made a ton of food, and even forgot to make stuff, and we were all having trouble putting another bite in our bellies. Vince was off of work the day before, making getting ready for the party so much easier. He also didn't put in for overtime yessterday. This is his first 5 day stretch that he's had off in almost a year. I'm so used to him being gone all the time, that this is actually an odd feeling, as I keep thinking he needs to go to work at any minute. All that being said, he made an extra $18,000 in overtime this past year. All the changes are coming to the fire department including the brown outs starting Sunday, so overtime will be very difficult to come by :(

Anyway, we opened presents yesterday morning. Our house looks like a nataural disaster, despite my taking out 3 ginormous leaf bags FULL of boxes and paper. The excitement from Ava was adorable this year. She would scream, and gasp and do little happy, "I love ...(insert toy here)" dances. Joey played it a lot more cool, almost as if it was expected. Stinker! I was on the phone calling my parents to wish them a Merry Christmas and Vince comes in and hands me a present. We weren't exchanging anything, so I was perplexed. He told me to open it on the phone. Inside was travel confirmation for me to go to Arizona for 5 days at the end of next month. I'm floored!! He talked to my parents about me staying with them and them getting me to and from the airport. I get to go and spend time with just them. No schedules, cake shows, weddings, nothing! I get back and Vince leaves to go to Arizona two days later. I can't wait. I know it seems crazy to be taking seperate trips, just a few days apart, but we can't afford to bring the kids, and I'm going to relax and Vince is going to pound the pavement in the house hunting world.

For dinner I made prime rib and we had the rest of the left over mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes and stuff from the night before. I also made a ham, so for lunch we had ham buns.

Today I've got to make a cake for a family get together on Vince's mom's side tomorrow. Also need to get a few presents for them. It's been a really nice Christmas, and I think it's because I'm so relaxed and happy!


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